Where are friends when you need them?

Some friends of ours recently returned from years overseas. The husband was relating some of the frustrations and discouragement of re-entry the other day. They are still in the very early stages of re-adjustment, but he commented how this time is much harder than other times when they had returned. His frustrations hinted at some depression and my heart went out to him.

I think the hardest thing about moving around or leaving a place of established relationships is just that, relationships, ones that get left behind and the loneliness that ensues until new ones are made. To a certain extent you can keep contact with ones you left behind (via email, phone calls, pictures, letters, etc.), but after a while, your lives end up diverging to a point that any closeness you once had cannot be based on common life experiences anymore. You really need someone with whom you share more of life with on a daily or weekly basis.

Last evening at a training seminar I attended, the trainer reviewed what seemed like common knowledge, but it struck me in my reflections on this struggle. She offered the following in three blocks stacked pyramid-like:

STAGE 3
Establishing Accountability/Mutuality
§ Loving confrontation can occur
§ Deepening trust level
§ Both persons give to the relationship
STAGE 2
Building Trust
§ Sharing of thoughts and feelings
§ Talking together is more valuable than what you do together
STAGE 1
Getting to Know Each Other
§ Sharing of information and facts
§ Interaction is based around activities you do together or have in common

The top block containing stage three was the smallest of the three indicating that we usually have only one to three friends at this level (and at least one should not include a spouse). The trainer explained that we may have lots of friends in stage 1 and maybe fewer in 2, but if we have none in stage 3 we will be very lonely.

I thought about the rigors of cross-cultural assignments and/or the re-entry process and the difference of doing it "alone" verses with a close friend or spouse. The initial months or years it takes to establish trusting relationship can be very lonely, indeed, even if you have a spouse to help you through it! And leaving the comfort of established relationships in stages 2 and 3 sets off a grieving process and depression at some level. I appreciated the trainer's comment that grieving and depression is perfectly normal and actually a healthy response. It helps heal emotions and pain. It should be anticipated with any loss.

I will be speaking with some young adults in a couple weeks about their upcoming cross-cultural assignments. This whole relationship business is so key to our mental, emotional and spiritual health for I believe God has created us as relational beings. We need our Creator God as well as one another to help us in this journey of life. Lone-rangers may look good at times, but do not share life with others in ways that are mutually beneficial, encourage growth and maturity and express the love that God has given to us and expects us to share with one another. It usually takes many years to build a strong, stage 3 relationship so people who go abroad should not immediately expect or assume that the first friend they meet will end up being their bosom buddy. At the same time, while they will need someone to walk with them in their experiences (from either here or there), their relationships they leave will never be the same again either. It can be a heart-wrenching experience on both ends and one I wish I had been more prepared for in our family's transitions.