In a dry and weary land . . .

Psalm 63 has been on my mind lately. Our pastor in Cambodia once did a sermon series on David and the wilderness. I couldn't identify with it totally at that time, but I feel like I can now. Dry/wilderness places are good for us at times, so he said.

But why would I feel like I'm in a dry place right now? I can't imagine why. I have recently gotten a chance to travel and connect with Christians from many places. I have had a chance to connect with people who are preparing to travel abroad or are returning to their home countries after serving in North America for a while. That usually excites me. There is something beautiful about the world when people are reaching out to one another. There is a wellspring of hope and love and joy that flows when people care about what will make the world a better place . . . and what will make Christ become real to those around them, inside and outside of the Church. There are many things about the Church that excite me, yet I feel, at this time and for some strange reason, detached from much of it.

In fact I have this picture in my mind I can't get out. I feel like I'm paddling around on the surface of a large body of water, looking at it (I'm not even sure what all "it" is. But I'm guessing that "it" includes all the good and perfect things God desires for the Church). It's like looking deep down into the water and seeing the beautiful flora and living things there . . . but it's just there . . . much of it not accessible . . . too deep. I want to reach out and bring it close. I want to make a wave to bring it close or change the flow of water so that others can get close to reach out to it. I want the beauty of it to spread and grow. But the impact of my presence alone is like throwing a small stone into the ocean. Who am I? Just a wistful gazer, a water strider. So I retreat to my dry place and look at it from afar. I point to it to encourage others to look. Wouldn't it be great to dive in together? There is something calling from the deep. But going deep is hard work and, I conceed, sometimes dangerous. I guess it's safer to stay on the surface.

Maybe I am just getting into one of my comtemplative modes again and that either makes me passionate or mopey. I hope I am not falling into the latter. Part of it is that we are doing the American thing as of late . . . home improvements! Yes, it is exciting to think of what our home will look like after our "improvements." But I don't like it when we start focusing on ourselves again. We get caught up in "us" and our comfortable life and then I start to get really uncomfortable and frustrated.

At a convention I was recently at we were encouraged to "Live the Call!" We were asked to think about our "call." What is it? I came back with a list of things the Church should be about. Exciting to think about, but how do we get there? And, I never answered the question, "what should I be about?" I think I need some "wilderness" time to soak myself in God's perspective. I have never felt so "uncalled" in my life. I used to feel called as a teacher. I used to feel called in the Church and mission. I know I am supposed to feel called as a mom, but it's another place where I feel so inward focused - "just me and my family." It takes the vision of Abraham to see how focusing all one's energy on only one (or even three little people) is worth being my only call at this point in my life. What about those around me, the Church at large, the nations?

Maybe I need to just sit in a dry and weary land where there is no water for a time so I see and hear and feel what it is like there. Then maybe I can better hear what God is calling me to.