Missional Choices

The concept of missional choices has been ruminating in my mind since mid-December, and in the last couple weeks my thoughts about it have erupted into a full-blown battle inside me making me even somewhat physically sick. In December I vowed to document my journey of the last 3 months when I temporarily worked full-time teaching in addition to taking my graduate classes and trying to hold things together at home. I came to a number of conclusions in December about my role at this point in my life, but a few more thoughts since then have compounded my frustration about my involvement in the Church and what it really means for me to make missional choices.

I started out realizing that even though my family can work very well as a team in getting most anything done, I was not able to pull my weight of the work as part of the "team" at home when I was working full-time. I also had no time for my own everyday care, thus my physical health was suffering. This logistical realization was simple to solve. I knew that I could not keep up that routine.

But what was more disturbing was that I had little time to put into my "missional" side of life. I'm not even sure I can define that side. But for example, yesterday I was able to visit with one of my neighbors (an atheist) for the first time in a long time -- visiting and "checking-in" on people went out the window when extra work entered. My understanding of being missional is that WE (vs. the "church") are the contact with culture; we are the ones who must make the time to enable those contacts to happen. Working full-time prohibited that.

And not all about working was bad. There were some benefits to that opportunity which my husband and I felt were good at this point in my studies and professional development and even our family. But I was very aware as we debated the pros and cons of my working that we actually had a choice to say that it is easier for us if I stay home. We have the CHOICE. Yes, unlike my friends who cannot make such a choice either because they are single parents or because their income alone cannot support their family. we can make the choice to live on one income. The words of another friend ring in my head, she NEEDS to go back to work soon unless they are going to make lifestyle adjustments that fit one-income. We are able to CHOOSE to live on one income. Thus, the choices that I get as a result of not working are added benefits that working families struggle without. We are truly thankful for these choices.

Which leads me to the battle in my mind the last couple weeks. So I was telling myself that I choose to stay at home so I have more time for the church and a missional lifestyle - but what does that really mean? What am I doing that really makes a difference? This seems to be a recurring battle in me that frustrates me and makes me really question my role in the church.

While part of me loves the process of forming structure and organization, at a deeper level I get frustrated with all the questions of structure and practice when it comes to the institutionalized church because I'd rather SEE and FEEL the Church at an organic level that is more real. Institutionalizing anything depersonalizes it, makes the structure central. My conversations with my neighbors are far more real to me than saying "hi" to distant friends at church on Sunday morning. While I try to make friendships meaningful there, people are busy with their own lives and "missions." It makes me question what the purpose is of the institutionalized church. What really is our purpose? If it is purely for gathering to worship and then scattering to be witnesses, then why spend so much time and energy in structuring the "gathered" part? Let us gather, tell our stories and then go. Quite honestly, trying to be meaningful in too many places is draining.

An organic example of church to me is one that gathers and scatters in the same community, that the vision for outreach and care and love is centered on the people within and without the Church. Human relationships and outreach are limited - we ARE busy people with our families and neighbors and church family and even work. Do we recognize this? Are we able to honestly assess how our scattered obligations impact our ability to be missional. How can we make the Church truly missional, in an organic sense, that makes a visible difference in our community when we are off at church 3, 5 or even 10 miles away?

I'm not saying the Church does not have to be organized somewhere, but I wonder if its function is "missional" or "attractive" in the location where it is institutionalized. I wonder why I pass so many churches on my way to "my church" every Sunday morning. I love the people there and the guiding ethos of our "mission" as well as the denomination. But I fear that in the process I am deceiving myself that my mission is both my church and my community. Is that really possible? How can an institution be a reaching influence in my community? I am a light to my neighbors and lead them to what? Where can they go to meet the Body of Christ I claim to be a part of? Must I lead them across the city to "my" church to find that? Or do I say, "hi, I'm a sister in Christ. . . you can go to that church up the street while I go across the city to mine."

I question if the institutionalized Church is a form of Church that can be truly missional. My practices of worship are not just for me. They equip me for a missional lifestyle among those where I live. But if my church is not where I live, how do I connect my worship and living part of life. This disconnect has been frustrating me. If I'm to make missional choices, what does that mean? How do I continue to connect to the Church at both an institutional level and incarnational level in a way that is integrated, holistic and authentic.

Now I am free once again, home, able to read and study and reflect, both a blessing and a curse. My mind torments me at times as I seek what the Lord has to say on matters of faith and practice. I was studying some writings that used the distinction of missional vs. attractional models of doing church. I found it very interesting. Of course, other insights are always welcome.